May 15, 2017: Regret Is A Painful Feeling

Time is a precious gift that God has given us. We must not waste a single hour, minute, or even a single second of it. What happens after that second passes, no one really knows.

We visited Lolo Bob on a Friday within the last weeks of March. He was still sickly, but he was really recovering. We saw it in his eyes before he closed them and went off to sleep. Then Saturday came. Mom wanted to visit him, but Grams said tomorrow on Sunday after Mass, then we’ll visit him.

That time never came, because around 3:00 in the morning that Sunday, the hospital called and told us that Lolo Bob was in a critical state. We went there and found Lolo Bob unconscious, and not moving. Once again, we thought that this a minor setback, and that Lolo Bob would probably be okay, would wake up later, and that we would go back to our average and normal daily lives.

I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard this story before, but why do I repeat myself? That’s because I don’t want to let anyone experience this feeling I have.

The feelings I had then were anger and hatred towards myself, because I wasn’t as sad I was supposed to be feeling, and that me not shedding any tears meant that I didn’t care at all.

Sadness and misery, because after I got angry, I just let a waterfall of tears come and wake me up from the realization that Lolo Bob wasn’t going to ever come back.

Regret and guilt, because I never got to say goodbye in person, that I never got enough time to spend with him, not being by his side as he was sick, because I wasn’t as good as he wanted me to become and that I failed him as he lay weak and sick.

And now, Grams has to yet to grieve for Lolo Bob. The way she does this is by stressing and wearing herself out by doing every single chore in the house. But no matter how much we ask her to slow down, stop, or relax for a bit, she always just shrugs us off or flat out ignores us completely. So Lolo Bob’s death took a huge toll on all of us, and this anger towards Lolo Bob that we can’t acknowledge because he left us in this state just makes us feel even worse.

We try to block it out by praying and distracting us using various activities, but the bottom line is that Lolo Bob is gone. He was the anchor that held us together here in America. He was the guy you could depend on at any time you wanted to. He was the guy who, if you wanted to, sit down with you and talk just about anything under the sun.

I really regret it all. Lolo Bob was one of the best and friendliest and kindest people I’ve ever known. And not a lot of people I know have have that much respect from me. I want to make his death as an example as to why you should always be with your family, your loved ones and closest friends.

Because I took him being alive for granted, God took him away from me and every time I think of it, it just makes this tight clench in my chest and makes me want to cry a bit, even for just a little while. But then again, I have to be strong for Mom and for Grams. I’m pretty sure that’s what Lolo Bob would want me to do for them right now. Stay strong for as long I can.

Don’t take someone’s life for granted. Spend time with your family, parents, siblings, loved ones and others. I want to spend as much time with Grams as would have with Lolo Bob if he were around, to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again, because I may never know when God may take her away as well.

I hope this message would reach your heart, and that you would consider my advice. Please don’t ignore it, because you don’t really want to feel what I feel right now. Instead, know in your heart that spending time with everyone is worth it, because every single moment counts, and those tiny moments you spend with them will be remembered by you forever.

 

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